azuhi | [closed for lempereur] A Rush of Adrenaline

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rp: private thread

[closed for lempereur] A Rush of Adrenaline

Since Yusuke had expressed an interest in seeing him play, and because he'd been kind enough to share his studio with him, Asahi extends an invitation for Yusuke to attend their next official volleyball game. He's nervous about having someone he knows in the stands, but Asahi also knows that once he's on the court, it'll be a lot easier to forget his surroundings and focus on the match. He can't let his teammates down, after all, and he especially can't disappoint his date.

His date. God, Asahi never imagined he'd be bringing a boy to his games, that someone would want to be there for him, cheering him on. Meeting Yusuke feels like a dream come true, or even a miracle.

Fortunately, the match goes well. Asahi is able to lose his nerves, and keep his head in the game even when things aren't going in Karasuno's favor. And when they are, he's at his peak performance, warmed up from the game and getting better, his spikes getting stronger, faster, and harder to block.

When his team wins, a few people crowd around him to celebrate, thumping his back (and, in Nishinoya's case, happily leaping onto his shoulders), but Asahi still takes a moment to turn to the stands. He makes eye contact with Yusuke and beams triumphantly, without a hint of his usual shyness.

The team heads down to the locker room to get clean and change out of their sweaty clothes. Asahi plans on meeting Yusuke once he's done, and hopefully he has enough time for them to go on another date.

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[Asahi hesitates for a brief moment, then puts his arm around Yusuke and hugs him just a little closer.]

I'm sorry. Did something happen, or was it just a long day?

[ Yusuke hesitates for a longer moment. It's been nice here, not being embedded so deep in the Tokyo art scene that everyone around him knows the salacious details of the Madarame scandal. The events that catapulted the Phantom Thieves to even greater heights, that all his classmates would whisper about when they thought he couldn't hear, not knowing that it was he who exposed it. To everyone else it was juicy gossip, but it was Yusuke's life. It still is, now that he's being dragged back into it.

He takes a deep breath, and shakes his head against Asahi's sleeve. ]

I'm fine. [ That's not what he asked... ] Do you want to go to my room? Some privacy might be nice.

[ Because he's nervous about showing his drawings. Not a come on. Not on purpose, anyway. ]

[The mention of his room makes Asahi blush. It was where they'd done it, last time, and while he doesn't know if it'll happen again, the memory is enough to make him warm. Maybe they will. But Yusuke seems tired, so probably not.

Asahi nods and stands, then offers Yusuke his hand.]

Okay. Through the door this time?

Edited 2021-11-02 18:05 (UTC)

[ Maybe they will. Despite Yusuke's stoic presentation, his moods and whims can change on a dime. He knows he won't be able to resist a little kissing and cuddling, at the very least, but most importantly, he knows he doesn't want to be alone right now. Even if having that companionship means he might have to explain why.

He collects his things and gladly takes Asahi's hand, smiling at the memory of guiding him up the side of the wall. ]

I can have guests until eight. You may have to sneak out, but the door is fine for now.

[ As soon as they're out of sight of the desk attendant, Yusuke takes his hand, leading him up the stairs and to the room Asahi is now familiar with. It's tidier than it was last time, since he knows to expect Asahi over, not a thing out of place except for a nearly empty mug of jasmine tea and a letter on the table. It looks important, if Asahi were to peek at it, a summons from the criminal court in Tokyo. But Yusuke doesn't pay it any mind, and takes advantage of their privacy to wrap his arms around his boyfriend, burying his face in his chest. ]

Thank you for coming to see me. Please don't mistake my tiredness for a lack of enthusiasm. I'm very glad to see you.

Sneaking out seems easier than sneaking in... [He muses with a sheepish smile of his own, fully willing to do that if it means more time with Yusuke. He doesn't want to think about any curfews, or the day ending at all.

They go up to Yusuke's room, and Asahi does notice that it's less cluttered. But weirdly, he misses all of the lived-in touches. All of Yusuke's things are like a window into the kind of person he is, the life he lives.

His gaze is drawn in by the official letterhead on the paper sitting on Yusuke's desk. Once Asahi realizes that he's snooping, though, he makes himself look away. 'Tokyo Prefectural Department of Justice,' he'd seen, and it echoes in his mind.]

Huh- oh! No, I know! I mean, I'm not upset. Just concerned... is everything okay?

[ Yusuke does not notice that the letter has caught his lover's eye, as soon as he lets go, he's too busy getting changed out of his uniform, unceremoniously dropping his pants and undoing his Shiratorizawa-purple tie. Usually, he'd stay as smartly presentable as possible, but right now, he needs some comfort. Besides, the need to go out of his way to impress Asahi is fading, and slowly sinking in in its place is the realization that the athlete likes him for him. Hopefully, he's attached firmly enough by now to deal with the curveball he's about to get. Even if he could hide his mood, even if he hadn't left the letter out, today is the day, he'll have to tell him, because... ]

I have to go back to Tokyo. It's only for a few days, but I'm feeling a little anxious about it. [ His face is turned away from Asahi as he pulls on a pair of lounge pants, else his face will betray the fact that a little is actually a lot. ] I'm alright, really. It will pass.

[ Maybe he can leave it at that. A last-ditch effort: ]

Did you bring your designs?

[Somehow, years of changing in the club room with several other boys has not prepared Asahi for his artist boyfriend undressing in front of him. Even though it's just as casual now, the conversation still going on, Asahi gets a little flustered.

Then Yusuke confides in him about his nerves, and just like that the flustered feeling is gone. All that's left is concern.]

You... ah. Um. But you'll get to see your friends, right? That would be nice.

[Yusuke clearly doesn't want to talk about this. It isn't Asahi's pace to pry. Fortunately, Yusuke changes the subject, and Asahi is quick to take the bait.]

Oh, yes, I have it. Just. Please moderate your expectations!

Hopefully. I don't know if I will have much in the way of free time.

[ Yusuke sits on the bed, and reaches for Asahi, inviting him to join him. He needs him, and his affectionate touch, a good distraction from everything else. And he's grateful that he isn't forcing it. ]

I just want to know another side of you. I promise not to be harsh.

[Asahi nods. He reaches into his bag for his sketchbook, a simple black hardcover with thin pages, clearly a cheap, beginner's option. He brings the book to Yusuke and sits beside him on the bed, his body curling inwards on instinct.]

Go ahead..

[Inside there are one or two designs per page, with notes and doodles around the larger, center drawing. It's clear that Asahi's used a stencil for most of the bodies, since those have the same mannequin-like pose and proportions. But occasionally there's a figure he's drawn himself, clunky but earnest. The anatomy is far from good, but it doesn't have to be; clearly the clothes are the main focus.

And there are clothes of all kinds. From streetwear and athleisure to evening wear and subculture fashion, all of it lovingly and dutifully rendered in colored pencil. Asahi is no genius at art, but the effort he's put into it all comes through clearly.]

It's not all out of my head or anything. Most of it is referenced from things I see online, but I modify it as much as I can..

[ If there's one thing an artist should never skimp on, it's proper supplies. This cheap sketchbook should be fine just starting out, but if Asahi is serious about this, he'll need an upgrade. Yusuke would be delighted to help him with that, of course - the art supply shop he goes to here is nothing compared to the options in the big city, but he can get his man set up with something respectable. In due time.

Yusuke takes it from him with a smile and slowly pages through it. The bodies are indeed not great, but it's fashion, not portraiture, so he can save his criticism. There's an interesting variety here, like he's trying things on to see what fits, looking for the thing that speaks to him. ]

I like the use of color. It pops without getting too busy. The proportions are good, too. I would wear most of this. [ He hums, turning another page. ] But I'm not seeing a focus. It all seems a bit random. What inspires you to do this?

[Asahi watches Yusuke's face so carefully, trying to gauge his reaction to the drawings he's looking at as he carefully studies each page. He can't tell what Yusuke is thinking, though, which makes anxious energy curl in his stomach.

Eventually Yusuke gives him some relief. The compliments make him flush, and he feels the joy down to his toes. But Yusuke isn't done with him.

He's never had to talk about this before. Never gotten the chance. And putting the thoughts and feelings into words is difficult, to say the least.]

Oh. Um... I don't know if it's really-- I mean, inspiration is such a serious word. I guess I just.... want to draw things that sometimes, um... I think it might be nice to wear?

[Including the open-back evening gowns, the skirts with thigh slits, the cut out crop tops - things that men aren't supposed to wear. Even when they do, online or on TV, they're usually lithe, skinny, pretty boys like Yusuke. Not massive, hulking guys like Asahi. Admitting this has turned his face cherry red.]

That you would want to wear?

[ It's a bit of a surprise, honestly. That surprise has nothing to do with Asahi's body type, but his personality. He's shy. Even if he's slowly getting bolder with Yusuke, he never seemed like the type to enviously think of crop tops. The idea makes him smile, and Asahi's blush makes him smile even harder. Is he embarrassed? What on earth for? He doesn't think he was too hard on him... ]

So it's aspirational...you should lean into that, then. The fantasy of revealing a hidden part of yourself. It can be an empowering thing.

[If anything, Yusuke's kind smile and his comment only makes Asahi blush harder. Yusuke is treating this like it's okay. Like it's normal, even good. That only makes Asahi feel even more embarrassed, like he needs to explain why it's strange.]

But it's weird, isn't it? For someone like me. N-Not that I could ever wear stuff like this for real! But... at least drawing it helps get it out of my head. I get to, um, sort of pretend like it's happening? That probably doesn't make sense. But it feels a little too self-indulgent so it's hard to share it with other people...

[He shyly brushes the back of his hand against Yusuke's thigh, wanting to reach, but scared. The whole thing has Asahi feeling so vulnerable.]

That's why you're so amazing. That you share your art with everyone. You don't try to hide.

[ Yusuke isn't sure what he means by 'someone like me'. His eyebrows crease, confused, but curious. ]

Is it? I don't understand. You might have difficulty finding something like this [ he points out an androgynous looking suit with a plunging neckline ] in your size, but that's the point of designing your own, isn't it?

[ He takes the hint on one thing, at least, and takes Asahi's hand. ]

Thank you, but I don't see why you have to hide it...is your family not accepting of you? Is that what you're worried about?

[ The idea that clothing could be gendered is silly to him, and yet, he's aware that it is. And homophobia exists, but Yusuke doesn't think about it that often. Outside of his art, he keeps his head down, his friends all love him as he is, and his family is all gone besides Madarame, if he can still call him that. The two of them have much bigger problems to work out than Yusuke's preference to kiss boys, anyway. ]

It isn't about the size. [Asahi says quickly, before pausing to correct himself.] It isn't just about the size. I-If I ever did wear something like this... everyone would stare. I'd get so much attention, a-and judgment. And it would probably ruin it.

[He squeezes Yusuke's hand, knowing and grateful that at least he has this one person on his side.]

I'm not sure how my family would react. I haven't told them... I mean, maybe my mom has guessed, though.

[Family is kind of a sore spot for Yusuke, he's figured out, so he bites his tongue on asking about it. But Yusuke seems so self-assured regardless.]

Well, it is rather flashy. It invites you to stare. [ What's wrong with that? ] You could adjust it to suit you. Broaden the shoulders, taper the waist...

[ Yusuke reaches for a pencil, lightly adjusting the proportions to look more like Asahi, who is gorgeous, but nothing like the mannequin stencil. ]

Who has the time to judge others for looking good? You shouldn't pay anyone like that any mind.

[ Easier said than done, for most people. Yusuke is both a city boy and largely oblivious to others, so he can't help but say so bluntly. ]

Is she treating you any differently?

[ Family is less of a sore spot and more of a curiosity. He never had one...he wonders what it might be like. He doesn't mention it because there's nothing to say, no memories to recall. Not until he's ready to talk about Madarame, the man he thought of as a father, but in the end, was anything but. ]

[Asahi's in genuine awe of Yusuke. In a way, he's almost hard to keep up with; his effortless confidence, his easy talent. Asahi is a bit stunned at how quickly he improves the drawing in his sketchbook, gives it a form that feels weighty and real right there on the page. Stunned more as he breezily cuts through Asahi's insecurities, as if he isn't bothered by the judgement of others. Because he isn't.

Sadly, it's not that simple for Asahi. He's never been good at shaking off the weight of other people's expectations. It's hard not to feel like he's inadequate for Yusuke, at a moment like this.]

Huh? Oh, my mom? No, I guess not. But I'm not sure if that means she knows and doesn't mind, knows and is hoping I'll change, or doesn't know at all.

[ If only Asahi knew how much insecurity was lurking beneath the surface, just under his skin, where it can bubble up while he's alone with his thoughts. He doesn't care about what most people think, but for the few he does, he's desperate for their approval. No matter how much has changed in his life over the last year or so, some things he can't change. ]

She loves you. She's your mother. [ Yusuke hasn't met his mother, but that's what they're supposed to do. That's what his did, for as long as she could. Asahi's mom has to be a good one, to raise someone like him. ] I don't think that will change if you have a boyfriend, or start dressing more boldly.

[Asahi knows that Yusuke is right, but still feels like it can't be that simple. Really, the problem doesn't lie with his mother, or his friends, or his perfect boyfriend; it lies inside of him. The voice that's keeping him in line is his own. Asahi wishes he knew how to fight back against it, but it's so hard.

He shrugs one shoulder, wishing the conversation would end. It hasn't even really been about his drawings at all, but about the intention behind them. He's happy to have shared this piece of himself with Yusuke, but he's starting to feel a little too exposed. Strange, given just how much more literally exposed he was last time he was here.]

I don't want to ruin anything. Things are good right now. I have volleyball, and you.

My mother died when I was three years old. I never had the chance to tell her that I was going to be an artist, or that I like men, or any other hopes and dreams.

[ Something he's reminded of not just by this conversation, but by the letter on the table, inviting him to relive that horror and all the ones that followed in a court of law. As if the nightmares and the long talks with the other Thieves trading traumas wasn't enough. He squeezes Asahi's hand, looking at him very seriously with that piercing, studying gaze of his. ]

If you really want this, I think you can do it. If you do, you'll have to tell people eventually. It might be helpful...to make it feel more real.

[ Yusuke doesn't want to push him to the point of discomfort, but he is a strong believer in diving headfirst towards one's dreams. Maybe a little push is what he needs. ]

[It feels like all of the air has been sucked out of the room. Whatever Asahi was expecting Yusuke to say, "My mother died," was not it. He meets that earnest stare with a bewildered gaze of his own, his eyes wide and beginning to burn with unshed tears.]

You... what? Oh God, I'm so sorry, Yusuke. I didn't know!

[To think that he's been complaining about it, the fear of coming out, to someone who doesn't even have the choice... it's mortifying to say the least. Nothing about this day is going the way Asahi expected it to, and that much is clear from the 'deer in the headlights' look on his face.]

I don't even know what I want.

[ Oh, dear. Has he said something wrong? Asahi looks like he's going to cry, which is absolutely not what he wanted. Yusuke takes a breath and remains calm, bringing his hand up to cup his boyfriend's face, turn it towards him so he can see that he's not upset with him. ]

It's okay, Asahi. How could you know?

[ It was supposed to give him perspective, not make him feel guilty. He's messed up this time...his thumb strokes over Asahi's cheek, hopefully soothing him. ]

You don't have to know for sure yet. Just know that I want to support you in whatever it is.

[ was that soothing? He feels just horrid at this. ]

[Fortunately for both of them, Asahi manages to rein in his tears. Yusuke's gentle touch helps ground him, and he leans into it immediately.]

I know. [He murmurs back.] And I know that right now, I just want to be with you. As much as possible.

I feel the same way...thank you for showing me. It means a lot to me, that you would trust me with them.

[ He leans in for a quick kiss, a little pick-me-up for them both before he drops a bombshell. If Asahi can confide in him, he should have the courage to do the same. ]

Do you want to know what I'm going to Tokyo for? It isn't a happy story, but you're an important part of my life now. You deserve the truth.

[The kiss is more than welcome. Asahi leans into it, and nuzzles into Yusuke's palm, but the kiss is brief and then Yusuke is pulling away. Looks like things won't devolve into make outs just yet. But Asahi's heart is soothed by Yusuke's tenderness all the same.

He holds Yusuke's hand as the conversation takes a turn.]

You don't have to tell me if you don't want to. If it's upsetting... I mean, I want to listen, but only if you want to share.

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