[Closed for crowdad1] Sleepless Nights

[azuhi]

Asahi isn't sure that he has ever been this tired in his entire life. A combination of the restless nights that led up to Nationals and the exhaustion after the first match of the tournament have Asahi sure that he would be out like a light in no time flat.

Sure enough, when he tucks himself into his futon that night, he's drifting off before his head hits the pillow. But even though his body is bone-dead tired, his mind is racing. He can't stop replaying moments from that day's matches, and from the footage Coach Ukai had shown them of their next opponents....

He hears shuffling from a nearby futon, and pauses. That's... Daichi's, he's pretty sure. Normally he wouldn't speak while everyone's trying to sleep, but lately their captain's been especially high-strung... Plus, he was usually the type to conk right out.

"Dai...?" Asahi whispers softly. "You okay?"

Comments

[crowdad1]

Daichi's not sure how long he's been staring into the dark. Trying one side. Rolling to another. Back. Front. Forcing his breath even. Just one more minute. One more minute and his eyes will close. The world will fade out...

Go to sleep.

Easy to shout at unruly juniors.

But what do you do when it's your own brain in rebellion?

There's a quiet sigh at the question.

"Sorry. Am I keeping you up?"

[azuhi]

Up? Blearily, Asahi realizes that he had been asleep, at least for a little bit; he isn't quite sure how long. But thinking about it, and taking stock of himself, he doesn't think Daichi's the reason he awoke.

"No," he whispers back. "Just sore. Exhausted. You okay?" He asks again. It's not really like Daichi not to sleep - and snore - after a long, hard day.

[crowdad1]

(He does not snore!)

(Does he?!??)

Pushing up, Daichi props his chin in a hand. "I don't know. I just can't stop thinking...."

[azuhi]

Asahi is surprised to see Daichi sit up, and it makes him sit up, too. Not too far away, Tanaka loudly smacks his lips in his sleep, and it reminds Asahi they're literally surrounded by sleeping teammates. He tilts his head towards the balcony, and then in case Daichi can't see him he says,

"Wanna step outside?"

[crowdad1]

"Alright."

Daichi quietly bundles into his jacket. Everyone else is sleeping like the dead - He's equally relieved and envious. At least no one else will be adding to their party. Suga would be fine, but it doesn't feel right. Worrying any of the others.

He's their Captain.

[azuhi]

He holds in his little grunt as he gets to his feet, his sore body protesting getting out of bed. His team jacket is at hand so Asahi slips it on, and follows Daichi out to the balcony off of their room. He slides the door shut quickly, not wanting to let the cold in to everyone else.

Asahi stands close enough to Daichi that their shoulders touch, both to offer support and warmth.

"What's wrong?" He asks softly, a tiny yawn punctuating his question.

[crowdad1]

Daichi leans into it a fraction. Not enough for Asahi to take any of the weight. Breath creeping out in a haze of white.

"I just... Can't turn off. Not like I usually can."

[azuhi]

Asahi hums softly and leans back, inviting Daichi to rest against him if he needs to. "Nerves? Like, about the team in general, or specifically about you?"

He's familiar with the subject, after all, so figuring out what to ask comes easily enough.

[crowdad1]

"Huh."

Daichi is good at many things. Interpreting wordless invitations is not one of them. Instead he leans forward in thought. Folding arms on the bannister

"Both, I suppose."

[azuhi]

Oh well. Asahi's not upset, but he mirrors Daichi's move all the same, hunkering himself down. Even in his team jacket, the January night is chilly.

"I remember reading once that you shouldn't worry too much about things you can't control," he muses. "I mean, I know that's easier said than done, though. But you led us this far. We won't let you down."

[crowdad1]

"I know."

Daichi wants that to come out strong. But there's cracks at the edges. Comes out quiet.

"We're here, Asahi. Nationals. We're so close."

[azuhi]

Asahi leans closer to him. Feels the anxiety rise in him again, but pushes it down as best he can. It's easier, somehow, when he has someone else he needs to be comforting.

"Nationals was always our goal. And we made it together; you, me, and Suga. And we'll keep going as far as we can. Everyone wants this just as much as we do."

[crowdad1]

"I know... "

Repeating himself now. Of course he knows. This has been three years of blood, serves, tears. What he's wanted since the first time he stepped onto Karasuno's court. They survived Day One. Forty other teams can't say that.

"But..."

Then Daichi shakes himself. The 'But' doesn't matter, not now. Asahi worries enough and does not need the extra weight.

"Ah, never mind. Sorry."

[azuhi]

Asahi purses his lips, and nudges Daichi gently - very gently - with his elbow.

"'But' what?" He asks, not willing to let this go so easily. "You might feel better if you say it."

[crowdad1]

For a long minute, maybe it seems that nudge goes unnoticed. Except they know one another too well. Daichi finally looks over. Face washed in strange colors by Tokyo's neon. Distant blues, reds, purple.

"But... I don't know what to want after this."

This is their one and only chance. Win or lose - The third-years will move on. Graduate. Leave this team, that they all built together. Even a championship won't stop time.

"All I've said, all this time, is Nationals. It was so big. It is so big and I can't imagine the mountain that's after it."

[azuhi]

"Ah..." Asahi hums softly. Then, with a little grin, he tilts his head towards Daichi. "We only just turned eighteen, you know. I'm pretty sure that's too young for an existential crisis."

He sobers up a little, getting serious again. "It's okay not to know. But, uh, I think you know a lot more than you're giving yourself credit for. You already picked the schools you're applying to, right?"

[crowdad1]

Daichi snorts at the jab. A smile actually flickering onto his face.

"Yeah. South offered me a scholarship. For volleyball. It's not a full ride, but it's something."

[azuhi]

"Really?" Asahi gasps softly. "You never said! Did you tell Suga? Congratulations, Daichi. See? You do have a future."

[crowdad1]

"Thanks."

The smile dims a bit.

"No. I haven't accepted, yet. And what if we do really well and there's more offers or scouts or - "

Daichi shakes his head sharply. Things keep spiraling like this. He doesn't know how to make them hold still again.

[azuhi]

Asahi claps Daichi on the back. "It's okay," he says seriously. "I don't think most people have committed to their schools yet? I don't even know if I'm going to go to college. Um, I think it's okay to keep your options open. And not to worry about who might be watching the matches. But if anyone is watching, they'll probably think you're incredible for keeping those insane first years in line, or something."

[crowdad1]

"God."

Daichi rolls his eyes back.

"We should all get full rides for that."

Normally, he wouldn't let so much loose. But it's late, he's exhausted, and he knows Asahi understands. The drain of being responsible all the time - When Daichi's not actually that much older.

[azuhi]

He can't help the deep chuckle that elicits. "Well, you are the captain, Daichi. You've done most of disciplining. If anything, Suga is probably more of an enabler..."

Asahi muses on this for a moment, then nudges Daichi gently.

"If you could get those four to pass their exams and be allowed to come to Nationals, you can do anything."

[crowdad1]

"Mm."

Except it wasn't just Daichi. It took a team effort. Like everything else worth accomplishing.

But next year? He'll be alone. The feel of that yawning wide sends Daichi mentally backpedalling. Picking up an easier topic.

"You know, First Year Suga was as bad as the entire lot."

[azuhi]

Asahi giggles at that, and shakes his head. "I don't know if I'd say that..." He starts slowly. "But he definitely was more dangerous. Too smart. And that angelic face!"

[crowdad1]

"He's all our Firsts together. I just thought about that. The Smarts and the Trouble-makers and then nice enough to get right back out of it!"

Asahi can probably sort out who's in what category.

[azuhi]

It takes Asahi's mind a moment to reorient itself; when he heard Daichi say "firsts," his brain went somewhere completely different. And it's not as if Daichi and Suga haven't always seemed especially close...

But then he figures out Daichi's just talking about the trouble making headache players.

"Well, I don't think he was as much of a headache to our senpai as some of the current players are to you," he points out, feeling a little guilty for betraying some of the first and second years, but also kind of amused. "Unless you just have a much shorter temper than they did."

[crowdad1]

Daichi's mind is a million miles from that path. Probably (?) for the best.

"I don't... think so?"

His breath curls white in the air.

"I hope not. I want them to listen. Not be some kind of ogre."

[azuhi]

"Don't start doubting yourself now," Asahi teases, shaking his head. "You got us to Nationals, Daichi. You made our dream a reality. You're incredible."

He reaches up and gently squeezes Daichi's arm.

[crowdad1]

Finally, the comfort begins to settle in. Seeps through Daichi's reeling thoughts. Settling them.

It takes him a while to realize his own hand has drifted up.

Covering Asahi's.

[azuhi]

It's somehow... flustering. Having Daichi's hand lain over his own so earnestly, with such a heartfelt look in his eyes. Or, well, maybe 'heartfelt' is not a good word. But there is sincerity there, like Asahi's words have gotten through to him, and -- ahhh--

"A-Are you feeling better now?"

[crowdad1]

"Ah - I think so."

Wow. Daichi sure has kept his hand there a long time. But if he just snatches it back, is that rude? Casual. Right. It isn't a big deal. After three years of playing, hugs aren't a big deal. This is - fine!

And - for some reason - He does not particularly want to let go.

"Sorry."

[azuhi]

Oh. And now they're hugging. Asahi yields to it after just a moment of hesitation, and holds Daichi tightly. He knows Daichi isn't a very emotionally intelligent person, and wouldn't be surprised if even Daichi himself didn't realize just how stressed out he'd been. If a hug is what he needs to feel more grounded, Asahi is more than happy to give it to him.

"Don't be sorry," he says kindly. "S'okay."

[crowdad1]

It does seem to be having benefits. Like warmth. Making the air easier to pull in. This is the first really deep breath Daichi's managed since coming out here.

Or maybe since arriving in Tokyo.

"I know I said this before, but... It's still weird. Not being calmer then you."

[azuhi]

"Very weird," Asahi agrees, though he can't help but grin. "I kind of like it. Is this what it feels like to be you? Reliable?"

He pats Daichi on the back, between his shoulders. "You've gotten us this far. Now trust us to get you the rest of the way?"

[crowdad1]

"I can do that."

Daichi pulls back. Smiling, "What do you mean you like it?"

He means to tease, except the words don't quite stay in that category. Something about Asahi's face being that close - it sends them spinning off. Like a missed serve.

[azuhi]

To Asahi's ears, Daichi almost sounds... mad. Or maybe 'accusatory' is a better word for it; either way, Asahi tenses up a little in response to the tone.

"I just mean, it's nice to be able to support you! You don't usually ask for help. Sometimes it's like you're an adult, you know, with how much it seems like you have everything together."

[crowdad1]

"Hey - "

Daichi holds up both hands. Trying to soothe things back down. He sure doesn't feel like someone who has things together. And that's not quite it. The hands go down, and he tilts his head.

"I don't want - You to worry."

Asahi. Specifically. That sure is a thing.

[azuhi]

Asahi frowns a bit. He doesn't miss the emphasis, and it's... confusing, to say the least.

"Me?" He asks, brow furrowed. "You mean, because I seem... uh, weak-willed? I mean, I am pretty much always worried anyways, so it's really okay. I'd rather worry about stuff that's actually happening than the stuff my head makes up?"

[crowdad1]

"Hey. I've never thought you're weak."

There's a soft punch to Asahi's shoulder. Trying to get that furrow to smooth out.

"Don't you know that?"

[azuhi]

"Oof!" He quietly winces, though there is no pain; a reflex from spending too much time around Suga. "I... No, I can't really say that."

[crowdad1]

"You came back."

No one could do that without will. Daichi curls his hand around Asahi's shoulder. To make sure the words stick.

"You came back, and you're still here. You broke through the Iron Wall to do it."

[azuhi]

God. Asahi... he didn't even know he was waiting to hear those words, and yet when Daichi said them, it was like something inside of him become unknotted. He'd been back on the team for months, but other than some playful ribbing about how out of practice he was in the beginning, Daichi and Suga had never really acknowledged the fact that he'd been gone. Asahi always wondered why they took it for granted, that he'd come back, whether they knew how hard it was--

And now he has an answer. His lip quivers for a moment, but he manages not to cry, at least.

"T-Thank you, Daichi."

[crowdad1]

There's a suspicious tremor, in Asahi's words. Daichi squeezes this time. Trying to anchor him.

"We didn't - I didn't - Want to pressure you."

Although - It hurt, every time Asahi ducked away. Turned around to another hall, wouldn't make eye contact. As if their friendship depended only on volleyball. Daichi had swallowed down that pain. Telling himself it didn't matter.

He was wrong. Asahi deserved to know that, too.

"I missed you. Not just because of the team."

[azuhi]

Asahi can feel his eyes start to burn, and hopes that it's dark enough that Daichi can't tell, at least, that he might cry.

"I missed you too. Every day... it was really the loneliest month of my life. I'm glad you convinced me to come back. You, Suga, Nishinoya, the first years... I'm so grateful to all of you."

[crowdad1]

"It felt like a year."

Daichi glances away. Trying to be tactful.

"If there's ever something like that again - I don't mean volleyball, just - Anything. Please keep talking to - us?"

Me is what he meant to say.

But - for some reason - it switches out at the very last second.

[azuhi]

Asahi reaches up and scrubs his own cheek shyly. "Will do," he promises. "Maybe you'll get sick of me messaging you during exams and turn your phone off."

He's smiling, though, so obviously he means no real offense.